


Life: A Guide For The Perplexed

by Cloudnine101



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel Does Not Understand Humans, Crack, Guide To Humanity, Implied Castiel/Dean Winchester, M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-10
Updated: 2015-08-10
Packaged: 2018-04-14 00:30:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4543299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cloudnine101/pseuds/Cloudnine101
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Hey, what is that human doing?' </p><p>The Tell-All Guide.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Life: A Guide For The Perplexed

**Author's Note:**

> Written with my bro, who doesn't have an ao3 account, but is pretty darn cool anyway.

_Introduction_

 

As you've probably discovered, by now human life is a very difficult thing indeed. This book has been compiled from my experiences, and will prove helpful for anyone attempting to remain human for an extended period of time.

I hope you will enjoy this fascinating, white-knuckled rollercoaster ride of a guide.

 

_1\. Clothing_

 

a) What is it?

When the monkeys first crawled out of the trees, they realised that a bed not surrounded by rotting fruit was slightly colder than they first imagined. They flinched slightly, as their knuckles touched the cold, bare earth.

So they decided, rather nonsensically, that they would cover themselves in fabrics; in order to remind themselves of what it felt like to be warm.

b) Why do I need it?

Clothing helps you 'fit in' among human society. Generally, it is frowned upon to go out into the street naked. Dean informs me that this is called a 'strip tease'. He refuses to divest more information.

c) How did I acquire it?

There are two main methods by which you can accomplish this.

Method One: Find A Friend.

This is easier said than done. Either borrow said friend's clothes, or steal said friend's money. (But not Dean. Don't steal Dean's money.)

Method Two: Find A Suitable Washing Line.

Make sure it's your size. Apologies for not putting specifics in this section, but Dean informed me that I had to give the would-be humans a little test, before they entered the impossible universe of human implications.

 

_2\. Food and drink_

 

a) Hey, what is that human _doing_?

This is a commonly asked question, and not one you should be ashamed of. That question is the point of this book.

If a human is shoving something in its mouth, it's not a clothing item. It's food (or drink [usually beer]).

b) Nom-noms

There are many types and varieties of food and drink. While you are living on Earth, for however long that may be, you will have the pleasure of encountering many of them.

Humans do not require Grace. They require sustenance. This is what allows their bodies to function correctly, so that they do not become malnourished or dehydrated. If your human eats too much pie, they are liable to complain about the lack of it afterwards. (See: Dean.)

If you wish to keep your human happy, pie must be constantly supplied, at, of course, a reasonable rate, to avoid financial crisis.

 

_3\. Taking care of your vessel_

 

a) Grooming Is A Challenge

Humans tend to enjoy appearing 'presentable', or 'attractive'. In this century, the concept of liking someone due to their personality appears to be lost.

b) Your Bathroom: A Social Minefield

Toothpaste is hazardous. Toothbrushes are to be avoided. Shaving razors are impossible. Be careful of showers. And wet flowers. And shower curtains. And bathtubs. And rubber ducks.

c) Plaid (and its myriad benefits)

Plaid is a comforting item. It smells pleasant, as well as being soft. It can be used for a variety of purposes, including (but not limited to) wearing. The Winchester brothers are very fond of it. Almost over-fond.

d) On Hair: A Note From Sam Winchester

_Hey! This is Sam, speaking. I'd just like to say a quick word about hair. Namely: having long hair is not 'girly'. It is not 'stupid', either. Don't shave it all off, no matter what certain individuals say. These certain individuals may also say that they are not emotionally invested in other certain individuals. Don't listen to them. They're the 'stupid' ones. Especially if they can't pull their dumb heads out of their dumb asses, and see the light of day. Or Grace. Whatever._

_Thanks._

 

_4\. Money_

 

Money is very complicated. I recommend not doing anything with it. If some comes into your possession, consult a human immediately. Apparently, there's something comforting about spending all of your money on pie. It's like gambling, Dean tells me, only you hit the jackpot every time. I asked Dean what his lucky day was.

That was the end of the conversation.

 

_5\. Humans_

 

a) Hey, what is that human doing?

It doesn't matter what a human is doing. They usually stop and look up guiltily. Some humans do nice things. Some humans do not nice things (e.g. expelling you from the only true home you have ever known).

Beer helps.

b) HOW TO STOP HUNTERS FROM KILLING THEMSELVES

This is a near impossible task. Do not associate with hunters. Stay away from them. Far, far away. Run. Do not look back. Save yourself.

If you're ensnared, pie is recommended as an icebreaker, befriender, and relationship glue.

c) Funny Things That Humans Have

i) Cars

These allow humans to travel from place to place more quickly than running. They are not as fast as teleportation - but the way Dean drives, it comes pretty damn close.

Despite the fact that cars are notoriously fragile, Dean is always dismayed when his breaks, and sometimes spends all day swearing at it. I-phone holders are not permitted.

ii) Radios

A taste in music is a common ailment among humans. Many choose questionable songs. Personally, I have discovered a taste for Led Zeppelin. I can't entirely explain why.

iii) Country Music

Sam's favourite kind. Questionable.

iiii) Plaid II

This is an important point. The Winchester Wardrobe is almost entirely composed of it. It is everywhere; it's on every surface. Take note.

iv) Apple Pie

The best food in the universe.

v) Happy Dances

Some humans have emotions so bright, they can't keep them inside their bodies. So, they have to release them, in a flail of waving limbs. Be wary of standing too near.

vi) Dean's Pie Face

Dean's face when he eats pie, or does a happy dance.

vii) Dean's Serious Face

Dean's face when he is serious. Usually caused by the impending Apocalypse, his brother, or a lack of pie.

viii) Dean's Face

Capable of expressing a wide range of Emotions and Feelings. Difficult to understand at best.

ix) Sam's Face In Relation To Dean's Face

I'm not going to go there.

x) Left blank for your own notes

 

_6\. Human relationships_

 

a) Family

People you are related to. Angels are your only family. Therefore, friends are mandatory.

b) Friends

Not Angels.

c) What's the difference?

There isn't much. Usually, the people in your family are also your friends. Apart from Angels. Naturally.

d) Why does it matter, anyway?

Incest is generally not recommended.

e) Winchesters

Of the Dean and Sam variety.

i) Dean is the Dean Cop. Dean is very difficult to understand, but he has a truly fascinating smile. Dean is honest, kind, worthy, strong, muscular and brave. He is the best human being I have ever known. Demons beware. Dean Winchester is coming for you.

ii) Sam is the Good Cop. Sam is a moose. We like Sam.

 

_7\. Emotions_

 

a) What the Hell is _this_?

Please don't be alarmed if your insides rebel against you. They aren't worms, they're feelings. Feeling are like worms, but better, because they don't eat you. They can sometimes be very hard to grapple with. (See: Dean.)

b) Dealing With The Squishy bits: Human Biology

This is yet another thing not to be afraid of. Human bodies may be stupid, but they do the stupid things for the right reasons. (See: Dean.)

c) No need to see a therapist (or: why happiness isn't a disease)

See: Winchesters.

 

_8\. Winchesters_

 

_Winchesters._

 

_9\. Dean_

 

(This chapter will be removed on publication.

Dean. Dean. Dean. How do I begin to describe Dean Winchester? Dean is lovely. He is an Adonis. He looks like a work of art captured on an oil painting, except actually a person.

So. Dean.

I'll love you forever. Literally. Forever. I'll find some way to make you live forever, and then love you forever. Sam can come too, if he likes. The more the merrier.

Dean is beautiful. Dean has eyes like the forest. All the forests. Search forest, and then put all the forests into one big, messy, perfect forest, and you will have a small faction of Dean's left eye - the one he thinks is less colourful.

There is no such thing as less when Dean is around. Granted, I only came to Earth because of him - but now I realise that it was destiny. I was destined to locate this man. Destined.)

 

_In conclusion_

 

I hope this has helped somewhat with the tricky, occasionally painful, and often mind-numbingly frustrating task of being human. If you have any more questions, please don't try to contact me.

(This segment will be removed on publication.

Dean. Please don't, Dean. Please.)

Good luck.


End file.
